Montessori Childrens House
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Sibling Rivalry

Posted on Thursday, March 27, 2008

Please understand that sibling rivalry is natural and normal, especially when you are integrating a new baby into the family. The older child is often coping with his or her loss of exclusivity in the family matrix as well as with a new person entering their daily lives.  This change can be stressful and often difficult for a young child to understand.  Although this is natural, there are some important strategies to remember in order to reduce conflicts and emotional distress. 

It is important to see each of your children as unique people with their own personality, strengths and challenges.  Please do not compare your children to each other. One strategy that works well is to create “alone time” with each child every day, especially when integrating a new baby into the family.  Carefully choose your time so that it is convenient for you and a good time for your child.  It does not have to be long, 15 to 30 minutes, but once you have established this time it should not be missed.  Missed time gives your child the wrong signal and will be counter productive.  This time might be a stroll together through the neighborhood, a story before bed, a warm bath or just cuddle time.  I have very fond memories of cuddling up to my mother on the couch before bed while she read me a chapter book.  Lassie Come-Home is fondly remembered.  With a brother and three sisters, time alone with mom or dad was not easy. But even after a long day at work (we lived on a farm) they always found time just for me.

Of course, allowing your older child to be the big brother or sister and take on a role of mentor and model can also be useful.  Find appropriate tasks and duties that the older child can do to help take care of the new infant or younger sibling. This is what we do in the classroom and older children feel pride and gain confidence in their ability to assist younger children.  Don’t force this though.  It must be done willingly.

Teach your child to collaborate (remember my article on The Language of Collaboration).  Stop any aggressive behavior immediately, but do not assume that you know who is at fault when disagreements arise.  Never take sides!!!

Talk your children through conflicts so that they can begin to understand how to ask for their own space, take turns, and talk about hurt feelings.  With young children who do not have the skill or the language for conflict resolutions, you may need to facilitate and help them find the words��.. “It looks like you are angry at Mary for taking your toy.  Can you tell her that you are angry and don’t like it when she takes your toy without asking”.

These acts will also provide your children with words to label their feelings and to help define their inner realities.  After your children have had practice with conflict resolution, invite them to work on solving their own problems and come up with their own solutions.  The peace rose and the peace table is a useful tool to help with mediating these conflicts.